I finally finished reading The Accidental Tourist
, by Anne Tyler. I was not prepared for it.
Before I talk more about it, understand that I assume you have already read it. If you haven't, there are probably spoilers in this entry, although I'm not going out of my way to make them.
Although the entry is not available right now, I once talked about why this web site is named "twilight soul." It has a lot to do with my "inner self," which exists in a state of permanent sadness. I don't really know why, and it no longer has the sort of control over my life it used to. But there it is. Inside me is a fundamental affinity for melancholy.
So the protagonist of this story, Macon Leary, seems to have been cut from the same cloth as me. What was most interesting to me is how that shows up differently for different people connected to us. Ms. Tyler did a remarkable job with the characters around Macon. I could wish that the people around me could see through her eyes in order to see me.
Like Macon, I find that I frequently express strong emotions through some very unconventional channels. We both share a fondness for systems, although I suspect that this is a actually a coping mechanism designed to not have to work with emotions. And we have difficulty distinguishing who we are from who we are being when we are with the ones we love.
However, I'm pleased to say that this is no longer a mystery for me. I believe Macon made the right choice between Sarah and Muriel at the end. I wonder if this story reveals anything about my choices. While I have not had to choose between one of two partners in life, I do find myself facing choices about other people important in my life. I struggle with that. And, like Macon during most of the book, I am resisting any decision. I'm probably hiding my true feelings by expressing them through other channels. I'm not even sure which channels. Maybe writing in my blog more.
The part that frustrates me most about how I do this is that I feel incompetent at expressing the more positive emotions I have in a way that is accessible to those around me. Everyone I know says I'm "too wordy." Maybe that's how I do it. Maybe I do it the way the rest of my family does it, with not communicating at all unless there is bad news. (Weird juxtaposition, huh?)
I don't know. At the end of this entry, what I do know is that I will remember having read this book for the rest of my life, and will probably never want to see the movie.